


i am who i am now because of you

by EllaYuki



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Developing Relationship, Eros Katsuki Yuuri, Established Relationship, Fluff, Humor, Light Angst, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Post-Series, Yuuri POV, Yuuri Week, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-29
Updated: 2017-07-29
Packaged: 2018-12-07 19:48:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11630649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllaYuki/pseuds/EllaYuki
Summary: snippets of life, and how having victor in his has changed yuuri with time.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> of yuuri's past dreams, and the future, and victor’s role in them

he used to dream big.  _too big_ , some who were more mean spirited would say.  _way too big_ , his anxieties would agree.

as a child, he dreamt first of being a beautiful danseur, graceful as minako-sensei, and hopefully just as pretty. then those dreams changed to wanting to become a good skater, too, maybe win some medals eventually. skating was fun, and freeing for all its restrictions.  

and one day, with a flash of silver and black, his childhood dreams changed, intensified, turned into a teenager’s ambitions and became an adult’s a goal.

because victor nikiforov is an inspiration, an ideal, a dream incarnate himself.

and yuuri wants nothing more than to reach him, grab hold of him. he aspires to be like him, one day maybe skate on the same ice as him.

(there’s a tiny, hidden part of him that wishes they could skate together one day, maybe an exhibition, a moment in time where it’s just the two of them, the music around them and the ice beneath them. nothing else. he pushes that wish down, buries it under layers of embarrassment and self-doubt, along with many of his feelings.)

all his dreams shatter, crumble, along with his heart and his self-esteem, when vicchan dies and he self-destructs at the most important competition of his life so far.

and yuuri goes into a downward spiral that he barely manages to drag himself out of.

and then one day, the root of his dreams and ambitions arrives in his childhood home, nonchalantly, exuberantly stealing yuuri’s breath and his heart and turning everything he thinks he knows on his head.

and just like that, his shattered dreams get glued back together (though the cracks are still there, and everything is still so very fragile), and new ones are added.

(even that tiny, tentative thing that he’d kept hidden away for years and years, resurfaces with a vengeance, and sits itself in the middle of his chest and somehow, impossibly, becomes reality.)

and slowly, one by one, each one, small or big, comes true, one way or another. sometimes, in entirely unexpected ways, but then again, life with victor is just that, a series of surprises and unexpected turns and twists.

at one point, yuuri realizes that, while he still fears the uncertainty of the future, fears wishing for things for himself, victor’s warm hand in his keeps him grounded and looking forward.

and when they are together, the future seems like something that yuuri can easily face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on prompts from the first 3 days of yuuri week (future/past/dreams) though loosely i guess


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> on yuuri and music, from playing it to creating it.

he doesn’t do it very often, but once in a while, yuuri likes to set up his keyboard and play bits and pieces of music.

he’s not a genius at it (he’s not a genius at anything, really, other than self-imploding and self-deprecating), and he doesn’t have much talent, but he’s not bad at it either. he’s average, he thinks.

still, he plays, on days when he’s hit with some kind of inspiration or restlessness for which neither dancing nor skating seem to be sufficient outlets. he plays parts of songs he’s skated to, songs he’s danced to, new songs, old songs, even songs from victor’s programs (because like his skating, his music choice is also an inspiration to yuuri).

he’s thought, on occasion, what it would be like to create his own music for a program, something short and soothing, maybe a little bit playful. he always shakes those thoughts away as ridiculous. as if he’d ever be good enough to actually compose something as complex as that.

but the thoughts come back with a vengeance one day, when he wakes up to hear victor playing softly at the upright they have in the corner of the living room of their apartment. a soft tune, a touch bit melancholy, but hopeful, and full of love.

after that, he can’t stop thinking of maybe playing a duet together someday. maybe even skate to it.

_those_  thoughts he can’t shake. he can’t shake them and when he does suggest it to victor, he does so timidly, a bit uncertainly.

he shouldn’t be as surprised as he is when victor literally jumps on him and starts babbling in happiness, already suggesting themes, and making plans for their next free weekend.

(the music they make together is as sweet –and silly- as the programs they create when they’re not thinking about competitions.

and eventually they do skate to it. in exhibitions, sure, but they do.

yuuri is both surprised and not the first time it actually happens.

he’s deliriously happy all the same, though.

because he and victor make beautiful music together, both on and off the ice.

as corny as that sounds.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> loosely based on the music prompt for yuuri week


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yuuri loves the way victor’s old costume makes him feel every time he wears it

the costume fits like a glove, which comes as a bit of a shock (because really, how is he the same size as a sixteen years old victor, at twenty-three? yuuri remembers victor being slighter, slimmer, ethereal almost, how does he and that victor have the same built?), and yuuri feels something burst in his chest, something like wonder, like giddiness, and it’s scary and delightful at the same time.

the velour is soft to the touch and easy to move in, the mesh wraps around him like a second skin, the crystals shimmer with every move, and the half skirt flares with every spin. it’s like something out of a dream, really.

(he still can’t believe he gets to wear it.)

(he wonders if he can keep it for the entire season.)

the first time he does wear it out on the ice, dancing to a song of seduction and giving more of himself than he did in actual competition, he tries to lose himself to the music, to the story, the feelings that almost overwhelm him.

and it works like a charm.

he feels bolder than he’s ever felt in his entire life, more in tune with his own wants, more aggressive in his desires, the teasing hints of skin visible through the mesh a weapon he uses as precisely as each tilt of his chin and twist of his hips.

(he wonders if this is what models feel on the catwalk.)

(he also wonders if victor ever felt this powerful when he wore this costume all those years ago. he thinks he probably did.)

(what he knows, though, is that he likes the look in victor’s eyes whenever yuuri wears it, likes the slight shiver of his fingers whenever he helps yuuri do up the back zip. it’s exhilarating.)

it’s not a difficult thing to convince victor it’s a good idea to wear it for the rest of the season.

he seems more excited by the prospect than yuuri himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> extremely loosely based on the eros - fashion prompt of yuuri week


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yuuri gets back to hasetsu after barcelona, and while he does celebrate w ith his family, he can’t stop thinking about victor who is back in st. petersburg

yuuri comes home from barcelona with a silver medal, a gold ring and no victor.  
his family, as kind as always, throws him a party, full of katsudon and treats and lots and lots of talk, of praise, of congratulations, and it’s a bit easier to not feel the empty space by his side.

_it’s only for two weeks._

he knows this, he’s accepted it and agreed to it wholeheartedly, even through the encroaching loneliness. the best place for victor to train, if he really wants to place at the russian nationals after months of slacking and going off his diet, is russia.

and while they might not have seen eye to eye about the whole going their separate ways, even if it’s only for a fortnight (because victor didn’t want to let yuuri out of his sight again), yuuri thinks they’ve made the right choice. he’s sure he won’t self-destruct like last time, or like in moscow.

he knows he’ll see victor soon enough, that this is only temporary, and that him being in st. petersburg right know would only be a distraction to the both of them.

he tells this to his family and friends, as the celebrations wind down and it’s just him, his parents, mari and minako and the nishigoris. 

‘i’m more worried about victor,’ he tells them, quiet, a little hesitant. ‘he’s going to be all by himself when he’s not at the rink, so that must be very lonely.’ he pets makkachin lightly, the poodle sleeping with her head in his lap. she hasn’t left his side since he’s arrived, and yuuri can tell she misses victor. they both do.

(and he wonders if maybe he’s being selfish again. he’s been doing that from the moment he and victor got on different planes. is he being selfish for continuing to skate, even though it’ll be difficult for victor to both coach and skate? should he have insisted on getting a different coach? was it selfish of him to insist so much on victor’s return to the ice? hell, is he being selfish just for being here right now, surrounded by his closest and dearest, victor aside, while victor himself gets to return home every day to an empty apartment?)

'he’ll be home soon enough,’ his mother says in that gentle way of hers, the comforting tone in her voice telling him exactly how much she, too, worries. (she has adored victor since the moment he stepped into yu-topia, after all.)

'yes,’ yuuri agrees.

he hasn’t told anyone, not yet, the fact that he’s decided to move to russia with victor as soon as the new year starts. he thinks he probably should, sooner rather than later, but he’d rather victor were here for it. he doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle it if he had to face his parents’ disappointment at his leaving once again on his own.

it’s the best choice, he knows, for both of them, for more than one reason.

from the fact that it’s victor’s home rink, and that it’s one of the best in the world, to the more personal fact that, well, they’ll have their own little corner of the world, a home for just the two of them (and makkachin, obviously, for as long as she still has) and the privacy that entails. yuuri loves his family, and his childhood home, but he wants his time alone with victor to be spent without worrying about people possibly walking in on them (no matter the situation).

he’s pulled out of his thoughts of that future by makkachin, who wakes up long enough to get up and walk around him a little, obviously in search of her master, and then come back to him, push her head against yuuri’s chest and whine.

yuuri’s heart melts a little. he hugs her tight, runs his fingers through her curly fur, and murmurs soothingly.

‘i miss him, too, girl, but he’ll be home soon enough. and then we’ll all be together forever.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on both prompts of day 6 of yuuri week - home & celebration (though more on home than celebration).


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> regarding yuuri and social media

‘you’ve been a lot more active on sns lately, yuuri.’

yuuri looks up from where he’s scrolling through his instagram feed to see his best friend looking at him with a curious look on his face. he looks back down at the phone in his hand.

‘i guess, i have,’ he says. he hadn’t even really noticed, never payed all that much attention, really.

he’s never been all that big on social media. sure, he has accounts on half of everything (some courtesy of phichit, some thanks to his long-standing admiration of victor and his need to be up to date with everything the man did), but he’s never been much of a fan on actually using them himself unless he absolutely had to. or well, unless there was something so cute that even he couldn’t help sharing (like photos of vicchan being adorable).

all in all, it’s safe to say that he’s always appeared more on other people’s instagrams than his own (phichit being the worst offender, for obvious reasons), and that his own only used to get a new pic once in a blue moon.

then, one snowy day in april, in a period of yuuri’s life when he felt like he was spiraling so far down he’d never be able to properly resurface again, victor nikiforov barged into his life, all exuberance and sparkle and softness, and yuuri… well.

yuuri began opening up and coming out if his shell, in more ways than one.

it’s been so gradual, he hadn’t even really noticed.

now he looks back to his instagram, taps on the little icon that takes him to his own posts, and realizes just how much he’s been posting for the past year and a half. it’s nowhere near the number phichit has, or victor, but for him, it’s a lot.

and it’s mostly snippets of his daily life. makkachin sleeping, her and victor playing, the rink in st petersburg, and other places throughout the city, the occasional selfie (solo and with others).

there’s at least 2-3 photos per week. such is his life now. he smiles.

‘i guess, i have,’ he says again, fondly looking at one photo in particular, victor napping on their couch just the other day, pillow creases on his cheek, and limbs all over the place.

phichit grins at him and pulls him closer for another selfie.

yuuri smiles broadly and takes one of his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> based on the social media prompt of yuuri week


End file.
